Hi Everyone!
I know my last post wasn't exactly a roll out of your seat laughing experience. For the record, my new shirt is great and I'm staying comfortable and stylish. Not that anyone cared.
This post is a little different. I'm about to share a Too Much Information (TMI) moment. If you get squeamish or don't care for knowledge of the ever-impressive pregnant female body, then hang on until the next post. Other fellow followers, proceed.
I sent this story to my good friend Andrea because like me, she has a good sense of humour about situations where one is left in a physical bind.
Pregnancy books are fantastic for doing two things: 1. They make Pregnancy sound like a blissful time in a woman's life and 2. Scaring the crap (literally) out of our otherwise constipated bodies.
What they fail to do, is answer any of my REAL questions like; "So I've been constipated for about three months now and all the recommendations of drinking water, increasing fibre and getting exercise haven't worked...NOW WHAT?
I know that's what Captain Steve is for but he has the power to prescribe drastic measures like enemas or colonics. Luckily, I'm good and regular thanks to my newfound love of no longer suffering from Lactose Intolerance.
On the topic of being regular, I will begin the story.
Last week I was feeling digestively fantastic. I was so regular that I could time my morning routine so that I knew when I needed to 'move'. For those who have never been pregnant before, take note that this is nothing but miraculous and should be considered as rare and amazing as Unicorns or sighting Bigfoot.
One morning, once Alex was out of the bathroom at about 7:30, I made a quick dash from a comfortable lying down position in bed to my throne.
I sat down and proceeded to witness a truly religious experience.
Just before I was about to get up, I felt a super sharp pain in my right side. OH MY GOD!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!, I cried.
Alex calmly responded with, "Everything okay, Em?"
I didn't respond. I was thinking.
How was I going to get myself wiped and off the toilet? I couldn't sit there forever and this pain was completely disabling.
I grabbed my legs and groaned.
By now, Alex must have been a little concerned (or not) and I could hear him not far from the bathroom.
That's when the thought hit me. Do I dare ask him to wipe my rear end?
I know that poopy clean up is about to be a major part of our lives but I didn't want to ruin Alex's day (or life for that matter) by having to wipe his wife's ass.
Just before I could answer, he made a clear dash away from the general vicinity. Either he thought that I was dead and that he should call 911, or he knew that the next thing that was going to come out of my mouth was, "Alex, could you please wipe my bum?"
At this point, the pain had dulled to an ache and I could wipe and rise from the toilet.
I washed my paws and hobbled downstairs, still a tad bit uncomfortable.
After about five minutes, the pain went away completely.
So what was Emma suffering from you may ask?
Round ligament pain.
The pregnancy books warned me that I may suffer some tenderness and occasional discomfort from the stretching of the ligaments around my pelvis. What it failed to say is this ,"You will suffer undeniably the most shocking and debilitating ten second pain in your right side. Don't worry. Don't move. Don't get your husband to wipe your ass if you are stuck on the toilet. Relax. This pain should dull and then eventually go away. You probably got out of bed too fast because you were really excited for your morning bowel movement. I repeat, RELAX. If you don't have the other obvious signs of labour, you are fine."
Some of you have commented to me that I should write my own 'down-and-dirty' pregnancy book.
I don't think that I am by any stretch of the imagination a reliable source on the subject of pregnancy. Yes, I'm experiencing it, but that does not make me an expert.
Everyone's pregnancies are different. Every pregnancy is different (except if you ask my Mom. Wendy and I were perfect pregnancies and everything was always sunshine and daisies).
As for writing an actual book, I would love to but it would have to be prefaced to the reader that I am by no means an expert on the subject and that this is more a collection of humorous stories to enlighten even the most terrified of moms-to-be.
My pregnancy books have been helpful. This is not to say they haven't been scary and sometimes a little too 'sucky' for my taste. If you don't believe me, read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". If 'Peanut' is referred to as my 'cuddly bundle of love' one more time, I'm seriously going to puke.
Take the knowledge from these books that you think is important. If you are like me and live in an Urban setting, don't read the part about having to give birth on your own over some old newspaper. Not necessary and frankly a bit graphic. You will make it to the hospital (or at least in the backseat of a taxi cab but you won't be alone in either situation!).
A good pregnancy guide should include humorous anecdotes, decent explanation of what is happening to your body (without terrifying the reader into contractions) and most importantly supportive and reassuring words of wisdom.
No comments:
Post a Comment