This morning I realized that I am officially having trouble doing simple tasks. I already know that tying my shoes is tricky and that getting up and down from a seated position on the couch involves help (or a prying stick). These are small potatoes compared to the harsh reality of not being able to reach your own ass to wipe it.
As many of you may recall, in an earlier post about Braxton-Hicks contractions, Alex was almost summoned for the unpleasant "Dooty" of having to wipe my rear-end.
I figured that it would be a one-time thing and that I would be able to get through the rest of my pregnancy without ass-wiping assistance. Well, it looks like those days have come to an end. I still haven't asked him because I still don't want to ruin his life. I'm going to push on through and find a way to do this without help (or falling on my face).
Cats are great examples of how to manage independently. They are agile and they can solve pretty much all their problems instinctively. They don't have opposable thumbs so grabbing toilet paper and wiping their rear-ends is out of the question. Instead, they use their tongues as toilet paper (which is out of the question for me for more than the fact that I can't reach).
When cats have something stuck to their rear-end fur they do this little scoot across the floor and use the momentum of their bodies to wipe their asses across any flat surface. Although gross and a pain to clean up, this method is VERY effective for Marley and he can get anything out of his ass with enough scooting.
For me, this would probably cause Alex more emotional and psychological harm to see than coming over to the washroom and politely wiping my ever-so-hard-to-reach bum. The image of me wiping my bum across the floor is a good one though and I hope you all enjoy that!
Ass-wiping aside, other simple tasks have become tricky; such as picking up the MANY MANY things I clumsily drop and even getting in and out of Alex's car.
Everyone I see asks me how far along I am. I proudly say I'm at the top of my ninth month. With that response, most people react by saying, "Oh, you're so small!". SMALL! ME!
I can't be small. I have a 6lb baby inside me. There is nothing small about that! I can't see or reach my toes!
In all fairness, there are many women out there who look way bigger than me, but I can only assume that they were bigger from the start. I'm not that big a person. Without the watermelon in my tummy, I measure in at about 5'4 and close to 140lbs (of solid muscle!!!!). I have short arms and legs that, although mighty, have made it possible for me to have all my pants altered and the need for me to constantly roll up my sleeves. The short limbs haven't changed in my pregnancy, which is mighty unfortunate. At a time when everything seems to get bigger (even my feet), one would only wish that their arms would also engage super-human growth so that at least I can reach to wipe my own ass. But no. I am doomed to look like a snowman for at least another four weeks (and find a creative and functional method to wiping my bum).
After that four weeks, I will be able to reach any and all asses that need wiping; especially the cute one on 'Peanut'. :)
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