Pre-Pre-Pre Labour

It has come down to the middle of the ninth (38 weeks to be exact) and I am ready to evict 'Peanut' from my body.
I've had a nasty cold this week but that's not why I want 'Peanut' out. I'm ready to meet my baby and deal with the impending physical labour that I have to deal with.

Everyone has a birth story.
My mother tells the story of my arrival as if it was series of events. I know she's leaving out the nitty gritty details of pushing out a nine pound (yes, I was nine pounds) baby. Basically her story sounds kind of like this:
She was sitting around on a hot July afternoon while the rugs were being steam cleaned. She started to feel unpleasant and called the doctor. He told her to come down to the clinic. She and my Dad packed their things and went. After closer examination, it appeared that she was in labour. Off to Mt. Sinai hospital! After a few hours of discomfort, I was born at about 9pm. She was hungry after delivering me (duh! I was enormous). Some nurses found her someone's lunch and she ate some poor nurse's sandwich. The end.

I'm sure if she added more detail to remembering that day, my sister wouldn't be here. I'm both thankful and disappointed that there aren't more details. Trust me, I am going to want to forget my labour too so that I can (hopefully) do it again. I'm a tad disappointed because I've never experienced this and the closest woman I know who has, is my Mom. I can't blame her for not knowing all the details of labour and delivery though. My sister and I are in our mid twenties and no one's memory can recall every moment from twenty-some-odd years ago.

I've read and heard about other labour and delivery stories. Some are scary; some are funny; most are sweet and leave me tearing up.
I recently confided in Alex that I was beginning to get a little freaked out about giving birth. He calmly reminded me, "eye on the prize". I'm sure when the moment comes, he will neither be so calm nor will he want to offer any sage advice because I'll be screaming at him ten ways from Sunday (with the language only sailors should use).

So, that brings me to what the next three weeks are going to look like.
Well, there are many signs of labour and as I have learned from my freaky baby books, labour can begin early and be a very long process.
Even though I've been having mild contractions (to drop the baby down into "go" position) over the last few weeks this does not mean that I have started active labour. That will come when the contractions are consistent, unpleasant, and increasingly strong.
If I were to rewrite my pregnancy books and tell people the very early signs of labour, they would begin around week 36 and they would include more interesting symptoms than simply physiological ones.

Emma's guide to Pre-Pre-Pre Labour:
Very first sign of labour--> The realization that you have to push a baby out of your "business" in a few weeks. This is commonly characterized by the giant inconsolable crying fit and hyperventilation. To combat this symptom just accept that you have to do this and that everything is going to be fine (even if you don't believe it).
Next sign--> A burst of bizarre energy.
This is seen when mom-to-be starts making lists of impressive magnitude and manages to accomplish all of it. For the Dad-to-be, please remind Mom to rest so she doesn't get the rare, but possible symptom of the pre-pre-pre labour cold.
Next sign--> The pre-pre-pre labour cold. This one only happens to the unluckiest of unlucky moms-to-be. There is nothing you can do about this but buy lots of kleenex and keep a good supply of chocolate cake on hand. Mom isn't going to want to do anything but lie in bed and eat chocolate cake. She already feels like shit, the cake can't hurt.
Next sign--> Even if Mom has been suffering from the pre-pre-pre labour cold, she is going to get her energy back at some point. This is when she hits the "I GOTTA CLEAN AND I GOTTA CLEAN NOW!" phase. The bathroom will never look this good again. Make sure that after the bathroom, kitchen, laundry room, basement, and garden are all tended to that Mom has more of that chocolate cake. She might be a tad pissed off if she's the only one cleaning so the cake will make everything better...again.
Final sign of pre-pre-pre labour--> Getting excited over otherwise stupid shit.
Mom may be a bag of crazy at this point (thanks hormones!) but this one will be the most entertaining to watch. If Mom orders something over the internet and it arrives, be ready to celebrate this rare occasion like its a Bar Mitzvah. She will rejoice over the arrival of her new sneakers or laundry soap with a four course meal, a DJ, and of course, more chocolate cake.

After all these phases, regular labour can commence at any time.
I've been through most of these signs. Our bathroom looks amazing and now that we are out of chocolate cake (for the first time in about two weeks), the regular routine of physiological labour and delivery can commence!
I, personally, think that the pre-pre-pre labour symptoms are way more fun that what actual labour will be but then again, eye on the prize. Pre-pre-pre labour reward is chocolate cake; actual labour reward is alcohol...oh wait no, the baby (of course).